Empty Inside

You know how they say, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? Well, that's a load of rubbish when it comes to heartbreak. It's pretty hard to heal that kind of pain. So, it's best to be nice or just zip it.

 

***

 

To be honest, I haven't really felt like talking to anyone, let alone myself. 

 

Just the sound of your name makes my chest tighten. It's been weeks, maybe even a month, since you said those awful things. "Too sensitive," you scoffed. It still echoes in my head, stinging like a thousand tiny bee stings. As if my feelings were some kind of childish game I was playing. I feel like I'll never be able to shake off that feeling of being broken. 

 

It's not like I was trying to be dramatic. It really did hurt. Like someone had taken a hammer to my heart and just kept on swinging. School is a torture chamber these days. Every hallway, every corner of the cafeteria, reminds me of you. Of us. I catch myself staring at other couples. Wondering if they're happy, if their love is real. And then I remember you and the way you looked at me. Like I was nothing. 

 

My friend Carlin's been amazing. Bless her heart. She says I deserve better, that you're an idiot. I know she tries to cheer me up, but sometimes it feels like she's talking to a brick wall. It's not that simple, honey. It's deeper than that. It's the feeling of not being enough. It's like he just doesn't see me. And no matter how hard I try to put pieces of my heart back together, they just keep falling apart. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. 

 

Mom keeps saying things like, "Time heals all wounds," but I don't know if I believe her. Right now, it feels like the wound is just there. Apparently, words can hurt worse than any bruise. They can chip away at you, leaving you feeling hollow and empty inside.

 

I keep replaying that conversation in my head, searching for something I could've done differently. Maybe I was too loud? Too opinionated? Maybe I should've just agreed with everything you said, even if it felt wrong. 

 

Ugh, I'm spiraling. I need to stop.

 

I wish I could just make the pain go away. I wish I could go back to before. Before your words poisoned everything. 

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