Should Be Happy

The tree. It's the same one we've had for years. The branches are heavy with ornaments. Each one holds a tiny memory. The tinsel also looks so sad, doesn't it? Just limp and lifeless, like me. It used to sway with such joyous abandon. This year, the lights seem dimmer. And the colors are muted.

I remember last year when Mom and Dad were bustling around. This room was overflowing. Laughter, the clinking of glasses, the warm scent of Mom's mulled wine. Dad would be playing the piano while Mom would be dancing. And her skirt swirling. We'd sing carols off-key and decorate the tree with such reckless abandon. Branches groaning under the weight of our childish glee. Now it's just us. Every shadow, every empty corner of the room. It's like they're reminding us of how full this house used to be. You keep trying to be cheerful, putting on Christmas music, and suggesting we bake cookies. But the silence keeps creeping back in.

You reached for my hand and held me close. Your touch is so gentle it almost made me cry. You know how much this time of year meant to me. It always has. I should be happy 'cause you're here. But how can you celebrate when the people who made it special are gone? 

And baby, I can see the pain etched on your face too. The way your smile falters. And the way your eyes keep darting towards the empty chairs.

The scent of pine needles used to bring such promise of cozy evenings by the fire. Now, it just makes me ache. I miss them so much. I miss their silly Christmas traditions, the way they'd always try to sneak a peek at our presents, and the way they'd argue playfully about who got to put the star on the tree.

What should be a season of happiness is instead just carving deeper the hollow, highlighting everything we lack.

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could trade places with them. But I can't. So I'll just sit here and try to remember how to breathe.

Maybe next year will be different. Maybe the pain won't feel so raw. But tonight, as I look at the twinkling lights, I can't help but feel a profound sadness. Christmas will never be the same.

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